Health Scare to Kick off 2011!

New Year's Eve...lunchtime...top of the mountain Lake Tahoe with my family...check my messages...(note to self about workaholics).

Sh#t. My obgyn leaves a message to call her back. I'd gone in for my routine exam on December 21 (note the full moon lunar eclipse on that date) and apparently the "abnormal" test results were back. I've had this happen many times before so no worries. It's always due to something unexplainable (I think lab error here). I'm sure I simply need to go back in for a follow up pap.

Not this time. They say words I don't understand and quite honestly couldn't hear very well at the top of Lake Tahoe. Follow up procedure. Biopsy of some sort to be done on January 4th (note the solar eclipse here). uggg...shit...cancer...what every woman thinks when they get that call. Fear rears its ugly head..."hello my darling fear, come sit with me awhile". Breathe in. Breathe out. Go back to family and act as if nothing is wrong. (note to self about silent suffering).

Oddly, once I caught my breath, my first thought was "Well god-dammit, if I'm going to die of frickin' cancer then I'm having the best year ever". Fear leaves. Fear comes back. Fear leaves. Fear comes back. Fear leaves. Gratitude emerges.

Shocking I know. Gratitude. There's nothing like a health scare to kick off a new year. On New Year's eve I really got to spend some quality time thinking about this crazy life I've lived. I thought about lessons learned and not yet learned. I thought mostly about life purpose and the lessons illness can bring. These are my actual notes to self:


Present Moment Awareness:
Honey, slow down. You have been running hard since the day you were born. Have you not yet figured out that everything works out on its own without your continuous effort and focus. There's a plan and a path and your little feeties just need to be aware it's there. Stroll. Effortless Ease.


Meditation:
Seriously. Practice what you frickin' preach. These little "mini' sessions you have been cramming in these past 6 months to simply keep you sane while you distract yourself with the studio, kids and boyfriend are not enough. You KNOW that if you meditate 2x a day and do not one other thing that you will have a happy life. Sit your butt down 2x a day and get deeply involved in that conversation with God. You know that it is the only true path to happiness and health.

Yoga:
It's time to kick some butt. You are not in the best shape of your life right now. You've put on a few pounds and yes...poooooor lil' baby.... I know you have been working hard and running kids and blah blah blah. Teaching is not practicing so don't even go there. Once a day. And dear God kick it up a notch! Add those push ups...and dear God, heal yourself....Yin...Yoga Nidra. Why on earth do you have a studio if you aren't going to practice for yourself every day. duhhhhhhh.

Love:
Pami, I've been your friend for a long time. I know you have have suffered. Just allow. You don't have to manage everything. Some things are just meant to flow. Just be. What if you only did have a limited time left on this planet? Wouldn't you wish you had simply loved more?

Dharma:
Why on earth would I get sick now? Not this year. This is MY year to finally figure out how to make a living teaching and doing what I love. I'm supposed to work hard this year and actually get a salary for myself. I'm sure God realizes that my alimony is all gone next year. Hello? I know you are listening.

Well fine then. Try to kick my ass...I will kick ass. If I have something as inconvenient as stupid cancer at the stupidest time of my life, then I'm going to do something positive with it. I will teach yoga for cancer and illness. I will write a book on how to cure cancer with yoga and food. I will ROCK cancer.

(the scare is enough to motivate me to do the above...I don't actually think I need the experience...I know you are listening.)