Yesterday I completely lost it....

I mean I lost it. Zero to sixty in 2 seconds. A peaceful ocean with pretty lapping waves becomes a tsunami. A tornado in the middle of a gorgeous spring day. A bulldozer with a wrecking ball closely following. I got mad. I got really really really mad. The Buddha in me did not stop to pause and respond with care. The Buddha in me did not breathe. The Buddha in me did not find compassion and understanding. In fact, I told Buddha to go take a frickin' hike cause I was sick of him too.

If you know me, then you know that I'm the kind of person to allow for bad behavior. I think many operate this way. I'm a service oriented Pisces who is mutable enough to put up with a lot (think "no boundaries" here). I'll tell myself that the person is having a bad day, they must be sick or they must really be suffering. I'll even tell myself that's its my fault and that there is a lesson to learn that I must need. (Sound familiar?). The problem is, I hit a wall and there is enough insane Aries energy (think Mars God of War on steroids) that when I've had enough, I just blow like a volcano and I take everyone out in my path.

Everything I know, everything I teach and everything I really work to be and become just crumbles. Yesterday a situation came to a head (full moon lunar eclipse style) that I have been forced to passively "take" for the last two years. Looking back, it really was a great opportunity for me to apply what I know, but in the moment when I sent Buddha away, I just went with it. Boy did I suffer. Anger sitting in my sensitive heart is so intense and painful. All night and still today, my heart is literally hurting. I even wonder if I didn't do some actual physical damage to that little guy. The shame of losing my cool sits heavy in my stomach, yet my ego is still enough in charge to try to soothe me by telling me that I was right, that it needed to happen and that the situation will shift now. (all lies) Sometimes I just hate that ego guy.

My meditation today was scattered. I stared into Yogananda's eyes and simply prayed for God to soothe the ache in my heart. My heart flared with the heat of anger again. I decided I would try gratitude. It was so hard. I had to start really really small...thank you for the chair I'm sitting on, thank you for the blanket that grandma made that I'm covered in, thank you for that cute card from my yogi sitting on my altar. (open eyes to read card about how great I am...pause to not believe it...close card...close eyes again). Thank you for my kids. (that one always works). My soul shifts a bit, but not much. Dammit. Shift meditation gears....breathing in Om, breathing out Om. Sending Om to my heart. 10 minutes later, still nothing. Open my eyes. Stare at Yogananda and ask for help. A small voice (mine, or his, or God's...who cares) says, "Pam, please show some compassion for yourself. You are human."). Tears.

I never claim to be anything other. I teach to learn. I say it all the time. I teach to learn. I am learning just like everyone else. I look at Yogananda and I see the Divine Mother shining through and I really really yearn to be that person. I'm doing the work. I'm gonna get there. Please be patient with me, I'm not finished yet....

"However many holy words you read, however many you speak, what good will they do you if you do not act upon them?" ~ Siddhartha Gautama (the Buddha...he's back).