I was in the studio the other night after yoga and my yogis were kind of hanging out, talking and shopping. I’m eavesdropping as usual as they talked about their marriages... the dullness and the typical resentments that you hear about marriage. I don’t know what overcame me, but I blurted out “I LOVE BEING DIVORCED”. It caused a brief moment of pause and then another woman in the studio stuck her hand in the air and blurted out “ME TOO”. Of course, everyone laughed, but I had a moment of regret because I saw that little “flicker” of possibility cross a few faces. A few others had a sad moment of resignation.
Now, I do love being divorced. I enjoy unimaginalbe freedom. I do what I want when I want. My mistakes are my own. My home looks and feels like I want it to. Dirty...clean...it doesn’t matter. I eat what I want, when I want. I save. I spend. I travel. I LOVE IT. I have only to take care of me me me me me. (and two kids, two dogs, a cat and a mortgage).
but....
It wasn’t always like that.
I used to hate being divorced. I couldn’t stand to be alone or the thought that I would end up alone. (Worse yet, the thought that I would end up with three dogs and two cats.)
So what changed?
As I pondered my own divorce and those sad “flickers” of some of my yogis, I suddenly realized that the reason I love being divorced is that I am no longer lonely. I am alone more than I’ve ever been in my entire life, yet I am not lonely. It really hit me hard as I realized that my marriage came to an end because I was lonely in it. I felt all alone in my marriage.
You marry a person thinking the person is your other half not realizing that two halves in the realm of weird-math relationships makes one quarter...not one whole. Another person cannot fill you up. Over time, you get more and more despondent because your needs go unmet. The problem is, your needs could never have been met because another person cannot fill you up. Two wholes make a marriage, not two halves.
I’m alone, but I’m not lonely. That’s huge. I’m all filled up. I’m filled up with purpose. I’m filled up with love.
I look back to my own marriage with wiser eyes. I don’t want anything to change but I do naturally wonder how it would have been different knowing then what I know now. Perhaps I just needed to fill up with love for self, service for others and a splash of creativity. Perhaps he just needed to do the same. Perhaps then, there would be no loneliness in marriage.
If you are suffering in your relationship, pause and ask yourself if you are lonely. What can you do to fill yourself up? You would be amazed at how you can shift by finding meaning in your life through service. You can serve through the work that you do, the home that you keep, your creative expressions and yes, volunteering your service. Fill yourself up with love. Of course, yoga is a great place to begin the process of self-study.
Shanti, Pamela
That was a bold move to declare in public how much you love being divorced! I am glad that you are finding peace of mind after what you have gone through. It’s never too easy to move on with life after a sudden change that involves your emotions and attachment with the other person involved. It takes time, but the important thing is you let yourself heal what’s been wounded. Then, move on and find ways to be happier.
ReplyDeleteLaine Harwell
“I’m alone, but I’m not lonely. That’s huge. I’m all filled up. I’m filled up with purpose. I’m filled up with love.”---- That’s the spirit, girl! I really hope to see more divorcees be as positive and joyful as you. I know it’s really not a good part of a person's life, but you shouldn’t let yourself be down in the dumps forever. There’s still life after divorce, after all. You just have to find those things that will make you happy. :)
ReplyDeleteJanay Stiles
“Fill yourself up with love.” – That is a very touching statement. Coming from a broken marriage feels like the end of the world at first. That was what I felt when the divorce was still in process and during the first few months after approval. I forgot about my old self – the jolly, outgoing person that everyone loves to be with. It took time for me to realize that I was filled with a lot of affection from my family, my best friends, and those who became so dear to me at work. After this, I started to move on. I think deciding to move forward will be the first step towards absolute freedom.
ReplyDelete-- Mike Clark