Stay or Go? What is Freedom?

“Freedoms just another word for nothing left to lose” ~ Janis

There is a full moon tonight. It sits on my chart squaring my natal sun (self) in Pisces. Jupiter (freedom/expansion) got in on the game along with Uranus (the unexpected/change). The effect it is having on this Pisces (which is the escape artist) is an intense desire to be free. An unexplained irrational impulse to run away...to simply go.

I have a studio to run, a business to grow, two kids, two dogs and a cat. I have a family, a boyfriend and yogis. I have not just obligations but intense longings to be with all of these creatures so I’m not going anywhere. Fantasies of horse back riding through Tuscany, climbing to base camp at Everest, backpacking through Australia must all be put on hold as I finish living this portion of my life. I think of a mini “stay”cation where I simply slip into my back yard, turn off the phone, the computer and the TV. I could hide when people come to the door. Fear rears its ugly head because the truth of Pisces is that they don’t do “alone” very good. Pisces needs a little quiet a little bit at a time.

I hope yoga tonight will clear my head. Perhaps I will come out of Shavasana and want to rejoin my life. What if I don’t? What if I still intensely crave freedom? What is freedom in this world anyway? In yoga, freedom is called “Moksha” and it really is about freedom from the suffering of the wheel of life or “Samsara”. The concept is that we are continuously spinning out bigger and bigger. Imagine a snow ball rolling down a hill getting larger and larger as it sticks with more snow. Now imagine that the snow ball stops and occasionally rests on its journey ...it becomes placid....it becomes bored...it stirs up some drama of snow ball life and then starts to roll again. That’s how Samsara works. It’s simply living your life and dealing with Karma.

If you could stop and rest and not become bored, then you would not stir up drama (Karma). Imagine the snowball floating in boiling water not melting...just floating. Simply floating you would become free, detached and realize your true nature. That’s called bliss. To me it sounds lonely and boring which simply means I’m not ready to be there yet. To me it sounds lovely and divine and so I continue my practice of yoga to actualize....and then there is fear again. How do you go there and stay here at the same time? Do you have to lose your daily life to be free? Do you have to run off to a cave in the Himalayas. Do you have to leave behind your family like the Buddha? Do you never experience a family like Jesus?

Some snowballs figure out how to go and stay. Mother Theresa comes to mind as she intensely enjoyed her every experience with no separation from spirit. That’s the goal and the magic of yoga and to me it is a sensation in my heart and I can’t find the words to describe it or the craving for it. Go and stay. Go and stay... Go and stay? For now I will stay in my life. For now I will go in yoga and meditation. Someday, I will be a big snowball able to float in boiling water and not melt. I will stay and go.