Last night during the Elemental Cleanse we focused on bringing the manifestation process into our meditations. I give Cleansers "categories" to place their attention on to cultivate awareness around what they really want in their life and what they want their life to look like. One of the more important categories is relationships....relationships with partners, children, relatives, co-workers and even neighbors. I tend not to get too specific when I teach this because each person is shifting in some way through relationships and its very different. There are some basics to relationships, however, that I feel are most important.
The relationship that you are sharing with a spouse or partner is your most important relationship. This is because this person is truly your best teacher and is a reflection of things that you are being guided to work on yourself. If you find yourself in a relationship that is challenging, stop judging and criticizing the person and start asking yourself what is being triggered in you? Why? Is it hitting upon past experience? Is it hitting upon your own frustrations with yourself? Cultivate awareness around your mental and physical response to stressful situations. Journal around it until you truly get to the heart of the matter.
When cultivating your intentions and desires for your relationships, I always suggest that you focus on the "feeling" of the relationship vs. the person in the relationship. It is very common for relationships to go south for quite a long time and to the point that there is so much negative energy in the relationship that it becomes impossible to think about the person in a less than judgmental way. We will talk about shifting that below, but in the meantime for the purposes of intending, simply focus on the "feeling".
What is the "feeling"? The feeling is how YOU want to feel in the relationship. Simple questions to ask yourself are: Do I want a partner that does everything with me? Do I need personal freedom? How do I need another to express themselves in order for me to feel loved? Do I need a very physical person? Do I need a person who calls me three times a day? Do I simply want to connect over the weekends and be allowed to focus on my own things? Do I want a person who shares like goals? Do I want a person who does their own thing and we share expressively our life's experiences?
Ultimately, we are all seeking a person who is vibrating at the same frequency as us. This vibratory energy goes in and out. As you change and grow as a person...hopefully into a more "sattvic" or pure person...you will shift a level up. You cannot expect those around you to shift with you, especially if they are not doing the same work and are not on a Spiritual path. Don't throw the baby out with the bathwater though. Simply by being your most amazing you, they will begin to glow a little brighter.
I always recommend that students read the book "True Love" by Thich Nhat Hanh. In it, this Zen Buddhist Master, gives you a simple daily practice for cultivating True Love. It's simple, but it's very very hard to do especially if you are sitting in one of those toxic relationships that has been festering. In that case, you have developed between you a formation in your emotional body. If you pause here to think about the person you are suffering with and simply feel your body respond, you will feel the energetic formation lodged in your body somewhere...frequently your heart. It presents as tension and discomfort. The most powerful thing you can do to free this formation is to simply put your attention on your own personal practice. Allow your meditation to begin to dissolve it by shifting your thoughts to awareness that it exists. Just intend for it to loosen its grip and dissolve.
This is not enough however. You must take action in your relationship to facilitate the shifting of the other's formation and to simply re-educate both parties as to the true ways of love. You will do this by practicing Karma Yoga and implementing the daily practices for love from the book, "True Love". Karma Yoga is basically selfless service. You serve the other person on every level. This is very difficult because it is a ONE WAY practice. It must be done without any expectations that the other person will serve you. You must simply look to the other's highest good and serve it. Starting the process is the most difficult because your formation wants you to be critical, judgmental and withholding of affections. The formation, in part, believes itself to be protecting you. Just grin and bear it for the first few days and then you will begin to see a noticeable shift in not just your energy, but in the energy of your partner as well.
Here is the practice:
Be there:
Be there goes to present moment awareness. It goes to time management. You must make time for the one that you love. This means that when your love calls you on the phone, you stop what you are doing and you listen to them. You intend to meet their needs and their special requests. When they come home from work, you stop what you are doing, you greet them at the door and you listen to their days activities. You really listen and try to understand what their day and their life was like. Like I said above, this is a one way practice. They may not listen to your day or be actively engaged with you, but this does not matter as you know in time that will come.
As you are listening to their day, hold your tongue. Just listen. Let them talk. If they ask for help and advice, give it kindly. Otherwise, just listen and allow them to process and figure out their solutions on their own. 90% of the time, people just want someone to listen to them. If they do want your help and you can't help them, simply say to them that you understand what they are going through, but you don't have a solution for them. Tell them that you are confident in them and that you are there for them as they process.
Hug the one you love each day. Really hug them. Close your eyes and intend that their energy will merge with your own. Take them into you. Tell yourself that this is the person you love and that they are perfect just the way that they are. As you hug them, allow your breath to soften and place your attention on the movement of your breath and theirs. Let the breath merge.
Make plans be alone with your partner. Know what they love to do and plan for it. I know this can be frustrating because sometimes you may be the only one who has been planning for years and years and you feel that they need to step up to the plate. Know that it doesn't matter who makes the plans. You may be the person in the relationship who is more creative and more of the mover and shaker who gets things done. Honor that in yourself and be the one to make the plans.
Honor the presence of the one you love.
This one sounds esoteric, but it's really simple. Say thank you. Honestly, this is the simplest way to begin a shift in any relationship. Start by talking to yourself about all the things about the person that you are thankful for. Of course your mind wants to go to the negative, but stay with it until you shift to gratitude. Start small. Simply be thankful that your partner is the one who sleeps with the alarm on their side of the bed and they promptly turn it off each morning. Simply be thankful that they hit the hamper with their clothes, that they make the coffee, that they take out the trash, that they remember your birthday, that they know your favorite color, that they have curly hair, that they clip their toenails regularly. Seriously, sometimes it can get so bad in a relationship that you have to start that small.
As you continue this process, you will notice that there is more and more to be thankful for. Start saying outloud and to them "Thank You". Thank them for everything. Thank you honey for clearing the table, thank you honey for taking out the trash, thank you honey for going to a chick flick. I appreciate that you let me pick the movie and I love snuggling up with you in the movie. Thank you honey for allowing me some personal time today. I missed you when we were apart. Thank you honey for running to the grocery with me. It's so much more fun when you shop with me. You pick out better fruit..... You get the idea. BTW...this works soooooo good with children.
and coworkers.
Recognize the suffering of the other:
This one sounds obvious. If you love someone, then clearly you know when they are suffering. If they are short on smiles and long on worry lines, they are suffering. If you are practicing "being there", then you probably even have a pretty good idea of why they are suffering. Now of course, you cannot fix their problems, but you can be a good listener and be compassionate. Sometimes all this means is giving someone a hug and saying "I know you are having a rough time. I love you. I'm here for you". Be patient.
If you understand the person, you will know how to alleviate some of their suffering as they work through their personal problems. You will know their favorite restaurants, meals, desserts, activities, books, movies and more. You will know what distracts them and relaxes them. Make plans around that.
This practice is hard especially if you are living with someone who is suffering a lot and for a very long time. Sometimes you cannot see the end in sight. Just know that all suffering comes to an end and practice being patient with the person. You cannot solve their suffering, but you can express compassion.
Overcoming Pride:
This is the hardest one of all. You must be able to look at the one you love and tell them that you are suffering. You must be able to ask for help in those times of need. You must be able to tear down that fortress of strength that makes others believe everything is okay and ask for help. Of course they can't solve your problems, but they can show you compassion and understanding and that will help you to shift. Just ask for love and understanding in your moments.
Know that your ego and your wounded pride are closely linked to your formation. They want to protect your heart. Tell them to step aside and allow yourself to go through this process.
Practice:
This is a practice. It's a magical practice and it totally works. It takes time, energy and effort. It's totally worth it. If it does not work, you may be in a relationship that is not truly based on love or serving you.
Give yourself a long term plan to shift the energy. If its a temporary set back in love, you can shift the energy with this practice very quickly. If you have been suffering for a very long time, the formation is very large and it will take more time. Give it 3 months, 6 months or 1 year even. Remind yourself every day to practice.
In the end, if the one you are practicing with and love does not take time for you, does not listen to you, does not understand you, does not say thank you, does not recognize your suffering nor you theirs, then you can be very confident that you are not in a healthy relationship. You can also be very confident that if you were doing the practice, then you have probably eliminated the Karma in that relationship and you can be free to move on.
Please remember that your formation is very strong and has a life of its own. It wants to protect you, so you must be kind to yourself and it while it dissipates. Start small and allow the relationship to shift slowly.
Shanti, Pamela
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