When your yoga fails you

I've been doing this for a long time. My actual yoga experience began in 2002 with a back injury, a dissolving marriage, depression and truly a lack of purpose. I'm sitting here 9 years later having learned so much. My yoga toolbox is stuffed to overflowing with breathing modalities, meditation techniques, self-analysis worksheets and reams of journals. I've taken the art of Svadyaya or Self-Study to levels that the Gurus probably didn't imagine. Each problem methodically analyzed and resolved with the determination of a Warrior. My niyama (personal mission statement) has been "I've never met a problem I can't solve". In fact, I thrive on problem solving...mine, yours, the deficit, global warming and race relations. I never stop.


It seems that I burn through one Karma (problem) to simply wake the next day to a new one.


I tell myself that the Universe continues to throw stuff my way because it must have big plans for me. Perhaps my Soul planned a super-charged existence of Karma busting because it was intent to resolve this humanity and not come back in the future. Regardless, the lessons keep coming.


At some point, the desire to throw my hands up and turn in my yogi towel overcomes me. My yoga fails. My mind turns negative and pessimistic. I tell God that I don't really want to do this anymore. I'd like to have a normal life. I laugh knowing that there is no turning back and that normal doesn't exist. I grow grumpy and resentful of the people who appear to have it all and then experience disdain for the people who aren't doing their work. Who am I?


I go back to my meditation chair and simply pray for God's grace to resolve all things in my life. That's called surrendering and that's when you realize that there are bigger plans for you. It's also when you realize that you are very small and fragile and perhaps it would be okay to let someone else take care of you for a while. Breathe in, breathe out. Remember you are only human. A sudden realization dawns that my personal niyama is dictating my whole life. I've been sending out a powerful subtle intention for problems to come to me to solve.


A new niyama comes to me as if by magic, "embrace each moment in joy..." Wow, now that's a big shift in thinking...I better go get my toolbox.